It's finally here, Cadence of Hyrule. For those who are unaware, Cadence of Hyrule is in the Crypt of the Necrodancer series. A dungeon crawler where you move to the beat. Now for those who are turned off by the rhythm-based movement, don't be. It's not that hard to get accustomed to. If you miss a beat the game isn't gonna deck you in the balls because you missed a single beat and yell FALALALA. If you can thump your foot to the beat you’ll be fine! If you turn off the beat based movement, however, you are DEAD to me. There is NO point in playing Cadence of Hyrule if you’re gonna play it like any other 2D Zelda! Just go play the Minish Cap, you CRETIN. Er, anyways plot. The totally not splatoon Octavius stole a Lute and everyone falls asleep. Cadence (from the first game) wakes up and you play a tutorial with her. You then pick Link or Zelda and must play as them the rest of the game except not really. The story is kind of there, not really front and center but it's what gets you going. The combat is great as always. The weapons have a nice punch to them and when you enter a perfect state of zen and kill all the enemies to the beat is just… mmmm. Anyways! You will die. A LOT. You can't beat the game without having several runs. You lose all of your money and replaceable items. But you don't lose key items, weapons, and diamonds. You use diamonds to power yourself up in heaven before jumping back into the fray. Dying isn't a big setback, you get plenty of checkpoints. There is torch and armor durability but that isn't a problem because you find that shit lying all over the place like sticky tissues in a bachelor's house. To put it in layman's terms, it's a 2D Zelda with roguelike elements, randomly generated world, lots of weapons, the works. The music, OH the music. I don't even have to dawdle on this, it's amazing. It makes my ears have a fucking ORGASM. The game doesn't have a difficulty curve. By the end, everything was piss easy. Link sounds 6 and Zelda sounds like a whiny whore, but whatever. It's just so hard to think of negatives, it's just a treat to blast through! If you don't like the movement, please take out your pacifier. 92/100.
Ever since every drip of life has been sucked out of most companies. There hasn't really been a good single player shooter game in quite a while. The last one I can think of is DOOM and mabye Resident Evil 7. But even when I'm playing any of these games. I always think of the best one of them all. Metroid Prime is really fucking old, and in many ways outclasses many shooters of today. So, who will win? A big 3rd party game made by a team of professionals, or a shooty alien game made by some blokes in Texas. Metroid Prime has the best beginnings of almost any game. You start off with all your suit powers and you have to kill the queen parasite. When escaping the exploding fortress, you get thrown back into a circuit board and your suit loses all of its powers. You go from completely indestructible to weak and helpless. And video games aside that's just a fucking mood right there. Anyways, Ridley shows up and you escape the fortress. So now you must go around and find all of the parts to your suit and kick ridley’s gonads till he pees out the wrong end. Getting a new powerup, and the little Metroid melody playing, is the best feeling ever, and a serious alternative to antidepressants. This is simply organic gameplay. You have a standard to live up to and it's now an overarching goal of improvement. When you have a game with no clear goal, it causes people to quit halfway. Since you don't know if you have 4 or 40 hours of grind ahead of you. The graphics look good for a GameCube game, and the music is just kinda there. It's not the best but it serves its purpose. Now, get ready Metroid prime control force! I don't like the controls. At their worst, it's clunky and hard to turn left while moving. But at it's best, it's just ok. If you want to play a Metroid game, start here. Super Metroid is great and all but it has a tendency to leave you in the dark. In Prime, you can scan so many things in a room, you never feel truly lost. All in all, Prime is the best combination of gameplay, difficulty, and story. Boasting an organic gameplay cycle and a great story. It's a must play. 93/100.
Before I go anywhere with this I am so fucking sorry. I tried. I REALLY tried. I wanted to like Sonic Mania. I want to have hope for the future of Sonic. I see everyone else giving Mania free handjobs, I wish I liked the game, but I don't. It expects me to give it a handjob, but I put its dick on a belt sander. Sonic Mania is a fan game, invoking when sonic was “actually good” aka, the genesis. I look at people who like genesis sonic games and I knock the rose tint right out of their glasses. Why the FUCK would you like Genesis Sonic games. It still has lives, and lives are only good for stealing all your quarters in an arcade or for a cuckold. There are so many other ways to punish a player for fucking up. But in most circumstances, I DIDN'T fuck up! There is so much BULLSHIT in Sonic Mania that it's holding onto from the Genesis. There is not a single SOUL that likes water levels. Why do you want to go slow in your game about going fast? Mario figured it out but Sonic is so far up his own ass he can't even fucking breathe. I fucking swear it feels like Whitehead had a contest for who can come up with the lamest boss fights. Someone had a few too many shots and just said “fuck it, just do Pyuo Pyuo” Which is fun in its own right, but when the boss was over and I was having fun, I thought, “Why am I not just playing Puyo Puyo?” Puyo has been around for 28 years and it innovates more than Sonic Mania. Most of the levels are ripped from older Sonic games, and when you’re done jerking yourself off to nostalgia, there’s nothing else to do. You can jerk off again but it’ll take twice as long to get your dick to rise up. I get it, 2D Sonic was really funky in the 90s. But 2000’s sonic was really fucking good! Sonic Advance and Sonic Rush are testaments to how good Sonic can be when Sonic Team isn't sniffing spray paint. All in all, unfairly hard Levels, nostalgic graphics, and straight up bullshit level design deny any recommendation I can give for this game if you aren’t a fat 30-year-old who still thinks the Evangelion waifu wars are relevant. What good I can say about Sonic Mania is a good price point and an ok soundtrack, which it uses to cover up flaws. 68/100.
Ah! I can finally talk about this game. Persona Q2 is probably gonna be the last 3DS game anyone will give a shit about. But despite the 3ds dying, I think you should get Persona Q2. Not before playing Persona 5. Let me explain. Persona Q2 is a dungeon crawler in Atlus’ attempt to squeeze every penny out of the Persona 5 until it breaks. You have to crawl around an array of themed dungeons and mark maps to find your way around. If you played and loved Persona Q like me you should settle back in quickly. The whole aesthetic is cinema and this fits perfectly with Persona 5. The game musically and visually is a treat to experience. The cutscenes are better than the anime I'll say that at least. The gameplay has its niggles. But many have been fixed from Persona Q. The fun map drawing is back. And, you can heal yourself at home now and while this sounds like a necessity to beat the game, in Persona Q you can't heal without money. The price of healing increases too. So if the healing cost exceeds your money, then you would be royally fucked. This is fixed in Persona Q2, healing is now free which allows you to focus on upgrades. But you burn through SP way too fast. And it's nice to have free healing but this also makes things a lot more frustrating when you have to go back to the concessions stand for a quick heal and a wank. The story is pretty neat, but there is no English voicing in Q2, unlike Q. So if you played with the Japanese voices through Persona 5, great! You fucking nerd. And if you played with English voices like God intended, everything sounds a little off. Atlus nicked Sakurai’s idea because everyone is here. Persona 3, 4, 5 and Persona 3 portable. And nobody else because those are all the persona games and no other games exists. But when you play, every cast member is dumped onto you with text boxes. Making everyone feel flat and hollow. It's great fanservice but it leaves you with a feeling like everyone is just a trope if you didn't know the cast prior. So I don't know if you got the memo but PLAY PERSONA 5. And THEN play Persona Q2. But all in all, the game is solid. It's Persona fanservice central, but not the greatest intro to the series. 86/100.
Ni No Kuni 2 is the “sequel” to Ni No Kuni. But don't be daunted. There are very few ties to Ni No Kuni. While Ni No Kuni had shitty combat. The Ghibli animated scenes are worth it enough. Ni No Kuni one starts off with our protagonist killing his mom, then snorting pixie dust to save her. With such a shocking opening, Ni No Kuni 2 would be hard pressed to top it. But somehow it did. The President is going to a U.N. meeting when he is blown up by a nuclear missile. I'm not even making this shit up. Go watch the opening. But before dying, he snorts some Pixie Sticks and goes to fairy tale land. The president is de-aged 40 years because Japan. Then we meet Evan. A BITCH who’s castle is being taken over. We bust him out and shoot some people with our Glock. Evans Mom or whatever shows up then dies. Then we head out. Evan wants to build a kingdom, so instead of ditching the little scrote, the president decides to help him. He swiftly becomes the Navi. What a shame, he went from my favorite to the worst. But once President Glock gets a 1700’s pistol that can shoot laser beams, I gave up. I'll make this clear, I didn't like Ni No Kuni 2. I'll give it one appraisal before shoving it in a locker and stealing his lunch money. The combat is greatly improved. It's real-time instead of some kind of mixture between real-time, turn-based, and pokemon. But real-time comes with its own bugs. The level system is wack as balls. I could fight a level 30 enemy as a 20 and it’ll be a breeze. And with such a pretty game, I expected the transition from world to battle to be a beautiful open-ended world. But no, the Devs cheaped it up. When you leave combat. Everyone turns into funko-pops and waddle around the overworld. Lazy, but still, at least we get the beautiful cutscenes masterfully animated by Studio Ghi- what's that? The devs didn't want to work with Ghibli? Well, let's wrap it up, folks. All in all, Ni No Kuni 2 is boring, bland, piss easy, and just an all around neutral experience. If this was a stand-alone game I would be wouldn't be worked up. But since this is a sequel that decides to take a massive shit on what its predecessor did right. But overall, it's just meh. 76/100
I had a lot of bile when I dropped my PS4 controller. So I took Ni No Kuni II, Sonic Mania, and Final Fantasy X and stamped on them until they cried. Now that my bile is gone and my spouse is thoroughly beaten, let's gush about Minecraft. Minecraft is 10 years old now, and it still impacts us today. Even though a resurgence of ironic Minecraft memes hit the internet, we can all buckle down and say that Minecraft is a good game. It's the true definition of a sandbox game. Take notes Ubisoft. You can get plopped into the world and frolic around picking flowers like a fucking horse. Or you can put your dick back on and actually play the game. You mine, get food, get better armor and weapons. It's so simple but it has such a simple addition. I picked it back up for the anniversary and I spawned in a desert. I saw a large plateau and thought. “A pyramid-like Futaba's palace is just dying to be there.” So once I got some armor and tools I got to work. 5 minutes later I rub my chin and feel a fucking beard. Sometimes when you pick it up, you can't stop and other times I got bored 5 minutes in. It's a journey you make yourself. Which is why the Telltale game is so atrocious. Yeah, that's right a double review, now with Minecraft story mode. I picked up a copy for cheap. I dropped the game when CaptainSparklez dies. Because that was the point where I would have more fun putting my balls inside a panini press instead of playing a game trying to get me to mourn the death of someones mine-sona. Telltale makes some grade-A shit, but this is the worst. And yall acted surprised when the company shut down. I can stamp on Minecraft story mode as much as I like but I can't ignore the fact that the only reason it got a Telltale game is because it was a cultural phenomenon. It's the first game I truly got into. Hours and hours of my life was poured into this game. And Miku really knew how to capture the complicity of creativity into a simple game. Fucking hell, I got on the news because of Minecraft. I got into programming because of Minecraft. I would rate it but who doesn't fucking own at least 3 copies of this game. I bathe in unsold copies of Minecraft for the PS Vita.
Spiderman is the absolute slut of movie game tie ins. There have been so many Spider-games when they ran out of subtitles to slap on, Insomniac decided to throw its hands up and say ‘Fuck it!’ and just named the game Spider-Man. Which is great for them but a pain in the ass for everyone else. There are now 4 games that are simply titled “Spider-Man” so now we have to slap PS4 at the end of it to remind everyone who’s paying the fucking checks around here. Like how Nintendo slapped ‘U’ or ‘64’ at the end of every title to make sure you are gonna be in for a game that’s shit. Anyways, shitty titles aside, Spiderman is the newest Sony IP, that I give a shit about. You play as spandex and you have to swing around the city doing your spider thing and beating up bad guys. You might think that this game with ‘Spiderman’ will have us only playing as the man of spiders. But you would be all wrong! We MUST put in boring stealth missions where you walk around and don't die. Ok, a few stealth missions won't hurt, but let's keep up the pace in this high action superhero game. Well, I WOULD keep the pace up, but sorry, you have to play Flow for 30 minutes before you can move on. Yeah! Let's simulate complicated circuits and programming by playing matching games and Flow. And since all you need to do to make robotic prosthetics is to play 10 minutes of Sudoku, I would like to announce that I am quitting reviews. I will play Doctor Mario for 10 days and emerge from my room with the serum of immortality and a cure to cancer. I know you would rather me talk about the game. Fine. What do you expect? Swing around, biff the dudes, cutscene, cutscene, bop the dudes and find a few shine sprites on the way, same shit different day. Nothing has changed. 18 years of 3D spiderman but nothing has changed except a shinier plate. The story is fine, nothing shocking. Beat the villains, have daddy issues, then they all escape and the game gets dark for an hour before ending. All in all, nothing has changed for spiderman. The core gameplay mechanic is solid, and it looks pretty, but it’s held down by a bunch of other unnecessary bullshit. 88/100.
No matter how much I bang on about how you and every mortal on earth should play Persona 5, I haven’t played every game in the series. So, I picked up Persona 1, then I dropped it and picked up Tokyo Mirage Sessions instead. It's a Persona x Fire Emblem game via Japanese idols. I mean, it’s kind of a Persona game? But it doesn't really live up to any of the persona games as a stand-alone game. This isn't just another Atlus game! It is a crossover with Fire Emblem! Well, not really. Your Jojo stands are just edgier versions of Fire Emblem characters like Chrom, or crum, as the main character likes to call him. That's about it for Fire Emblem (besides one chapter). Both Fire Emblem and Persona both have a variety of characters with engaging narratives, but this is all lost and is replaced with fetish types. There's the 5-year-old loli who calls you onii-chan and blushes every alternate fucking step, there's the mature one with glasses and the tits that jiggle like jello on LSD, and the most important of all, the highschooler. The gameplay is pretty by the numbers. It is just like Persona, same move names and weakness system. But now instead of knocking down an enemy for a chance at an all-out attack, hitting a weakness activates a session. This is just an extra attack to add to the damage you already dealt. So if you have played any SMT or Persona game you should settle back in quickly. The difference between this game and other SMT/Persona game is like Bloodborne to Darksouls. They just swapped the names around. Your Performa instead of Persona. Instead of training your social stats, you train your performing skills to become better in battle. These 2 examples show how little is different between any Persona game and this. But, the strongest point this game has is the visual spectacle. The entire aesthetic of Tokyo Mirage Jiggle Physics is bright and colorful. The game looks great, better than Star Fox Zero that's for sure. All in all, this is a basic Atlus JRPG. I can't recommend this to any Fire Emblem fans, but this might be a worthwhile purchase to any JRPG or SMT/Persona fan if you can tolerate Harem anime. 78/100. And fuck the store clerk, I'm not a hoe.
The Dreamcast was a flop, it's no secret. But the Dreamcast is the best example of a console failing despite having good games and good marketing. Alas, what really killed the Dreamcast was the PS2. But now with our modern glasses, we can look back upon the Dreamcast, PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube era and see that only console that didn't age well was the PS2. Funny how that shit works. Anyways, Jet Set Radio was probably the best title to come out of the Sega dark ages. It's a game where you skate around and spray walls with graffiti. The main method of movement, the roller blades, control great! And there is an odd catharsis to skating around, avoiding cops, and spraypainting to get your highest score. The main baddies in this game are the Japanese police (at least in the early game). Since these street gangs of spraypainting gangsters are ruining Japan, the government gives them the right to pull out fucking tanks on these kids. Captain Onishima wants to, and I quote, “fill those punks with lead”. So while avoiding the cops, your gang, the GGs, have to take over other parts of the city from other gangs. Almost everyone is silent, so the commentary is provided by DJ professor K. He runs Jet Set Radio and commentates on the events of the game, and he also plays music for your enjoyment while you spray the town. He also has a jaw big enough to fit a whole watermelon. I'm not even kidding, see for yourself. The music is sublime, made by Hideki Naganuma, the OST covers a wide variety of music, while still being really catchy and unique. The visuals haven’t aged the best, but it has certainly aged well. Since Jet Set Radio went for a cell shaded style, it still looks fine, like Windwaker or XIII. But what really doesn't age well are realistic graphics. While Shenmue looked good at the time, it looks like playmobile people with hingeable jaws. Which is the magic of Jet Set Radio. It cannot age. While the punk aesthetic was cool back then, now it comes off as endearing and maybe a bit nostalgic. All in all, Jet Set Radio is a memorable experience, with Gameplay, Music, and pure fun under its belt, it's a must play for anyone looking for a fun time. 91/100.
Love is pretty great and all, but love doesn't pay off the Tesla. Video game companies have been showing some pretty bullshit tendencies. Less and less of a focus on content and more of a focus on small details like horse testicles in Red Dead 2. Even if there is a lot of content, it gets stretched to China. Again like Red Dead “90% movable cutscenes and 10% game” 2. This soulless approach to development has been showing in boxart and the lack of manuals. Boring and bland box art with a lack of manuals has led some fans to fill in the gaps where the industry has failed. But one publisher has been keeping these long-dead ideas alive. Guess which one? No need to guess it's in the title. Nicalis has been publishing games, namely for the switch, since very early on. But what separates them from any old publisher is that they shower every purchase in goodies like the sugar daddy they are. One Nicalis game I've picked up recently was CaveStory. After yelling at Gamestop for hours till they gave me a new copy, I opened up the box and was showered in colorful extras like a clown bukkake shot. A nylon bag, keychain, manual, and a mini CD! When you open up the manual, there's a little blurb saying this game has the Nicalis seal of quality. Which made me remember the blissful days when the Nintendo Seal of Quality actually fucking meant something. Now everything from 'pogs for champs' to 'My girlfriend is a mermaid' is allowed on the eshop. Nicalis hasn’t stopped these releases too. RemiLore just dropped, and it's golden axe in way of anime girls. The goodies are light, but they’re still there. It makes me happy they toned down the goodies, makes it easier to fit all the cum in one fac- I mean box. But when you look at RemiLore and think, “yeah, another niche Japanese title, whatever.” But Nicalis picks which games to throw onto shelves. The indie classic CaveStory, the creative platformer VVVVVV despite the lack of creativity in the naming department, and others like Ikaruga and the list goes on. Ikaruga doesn’t have a physical but knowing Nicalis when you open up the box there's a slip to redeem a free spaceship shipped directly from Elon Musk’s fucking rocket ship farm.
With Link’s Awakening getting a remake, I'll talk about the one that should have gotten a remake. Aka, the best handheld Zelda. Minish cap. Minish cap has you following the usual virgin to rescue the usual lady but instead of Gannon, it's Vore Tea! The evil mage that turned some old kook into a hat. You team up with the magic hat thing and go on a quest to get the poop rocks to un-rock the rockin rock princess. The game is pretty short for Zelda standards, but that makes the game sweeter and much more memorable. When you grind through a long and tedious Zelda game like Twilight Yiff Prince, when you think back on it there are gaps in the memory. Since the game dragged on for too long, one would start to drift off, thinking of better things to do than play dog shit on a screen. I vividly remember everything from Minish Cap, and the bosses do some super neat shit too. If you beat your cap, the hat starts screaming in agony. You then shrink down to the size of your dad's dick, and can now traverse smaller areas that only the tiny minish can see. This can create some interesting boss fights. The first boss is a normal slime in many Zelda games, but since you’re tiny, the slime goes from a 2 hit KO to a full-on shadow of the colossus enemy. The unique claim to fame that minish cap has is the Kinstone fusing. If you walk up to any random joe and click L, you can fuse kinstones. Forcing two kinstones together like an arranged marriage can cause a whole myriad of things to happen. It can open up a hole to an essential item like bomb and arrow expansions, or you can open the chest and it will be full of farts while a laugh track plays. The kinstones aren’t too engaging. I looked up a guide for which kinstones I need and never fused kinstones again. The graphics look pretty nice, with consistent visuals all around. And since this is on the Gameboy Advance, the music has been compressed to hell and back so it's more like listening to A Link to the Past’s soundtrack through a cow’s ass with an ear infection. All in all, despite its short story and unengaging kinstone system, Minish Cap is a solid entry in the Zelda series. And is the best of the handheld Zeldas. 87/100.
This game huh? It took the world by storm, and so now we have a bunch of bigwig news reporters talking about how Fortnite is corrupting our youth, killing all our boners, and ate all the leftovers. Anyways, I don't really need to explain what Fortnite is, do I? You drop down, loot and shoot, be the last one alive. The game is one of those shitty free to play* games. Where if you want clout, you have to buy shit. I had a default skin for the longest time, and I couldn't tell you how many kids called me a cunt on voice chat. Once I got a free one from twitch prime, the insults all stopped. Funny how it works like that. Surely there isn't any other system in which you shove out more cash for useless garbage that is only worth its weight in useless clout. I could talk about the game, but it's useless when looking at everything surrounding it. Yes, it is a microtransaction infested mess, but how simple it is, and the fact that it's free is a big contributor to why it took off. Games like Doki Doki and Happy Wheels also took off. They’re all crafted to be reacted on a stream. Well, Doki Doki was more of a ‘What if?’ than a full game. “Oh but Sky what about the singleplayer? Surely you like that, you socially inept retard!” I played 2 hours of it and I knew what to come. It's a poor man’s left for dead. If the poor man hypothetically had more money and recently had a lobotomy. But it's a shame. These simplistic games gets a lot of attention, instead of games like Momodora. Have you played Momodora? Reverie Under the Moonlight, to be specific. It's a really nice 2D hack and slash with a great art style! The dodge mechanic feels almost, and this word makes me want to rip my lungs out, dark souls esque. It has solid ideas but it's been done before by other titles. But, it's dirt cheap! This, in a similar vein to Kamiko, the dirt cheap indie darling with a fucking incomprehensible story! While I can't pinpoint where id rate Momodora and Kamiko. It would be in the mid-80s. Two solid games with a lot of bang for your buck! Huh, I feel like I was talking about something before this? Bah, couldn't have been that important.
GUYS. Fortnite is the ABSOLUTE virginity slayer. I made an epic games account and I heard banging at the door! I opened it, expecting a horde of women but it was really a group of lawyers with a cease and desist letter and a few restraining orders. I am no longer allowed in 36 of the 50 states! Cowabunga! All in all, fortnipple is a perfect game. With game, and all the base belong to us. It gets a 100/100. This masterpiece will surely ripple through the waves of time blessing all with its greatness.
“Why aren't you doing the first two Advance Wars? Those are the best!” Please, the first two Advance Wars are harder to find than your mom at a beauty contest. That aside, Advance Wars Dual Strike is a continuation of Advance Wars on the GBA and is improved on the DS. So Dual Strike follows the story of 1 and 2. Where we must stop Black Hole from doing bad evil things. Advance Wars is made by the same homophobes who made Fire Emblem. So is the gameplay different? Nope! Just replace anime boys with gritty war people and angsty teens. Man, no wonder Advance Wars flopped in Japan. That aside, I find Advance wars a lot more fun than Fire Emblem, despite them being so similar. But I know deep down that Fire Emblem is for the people who coddle body pillows and Advance Wars is for the strategy nutters like me. You’re talking to the man who sunk 600+ hours into Civilization V. Fire Emblem places an emphasis on story and evolving characters. That's why you can talk to mates on the battlefield to increase stats, and you can fuck their tits off. But Advance Wars is all about strategy. Making friends for enjoyment? Never heard of it. The only friendship I know is that if I max out relations with the hairless gorilla and the midget, they can output maximum power. Most of the Leaders are interesting. The main characters, aka the best ones, are Jake, the kid from The World Ends with You, and Rachel, the hot one. What Dual Strike adds is the ability to use two leaders. If their meters get full, they can use a maximum power that devastates the enemy. Some of the leaders work well together, like butter on toast, and some don't, like your mom and the girlfriend. The other thing dual strike adds is dual screens. One can be taking place below and the other is in the sky. Ah, so I can play a sky game and a ground game, and have to shift my strategies to- NOPE the sky is controlled by the AI of the other Leader. This AI can be the reincarnation of Alexander the Great, or it can be retarded and think attacking is just a suggestion. All in all, besides these gripes, Advance Wars is the tough turn-based strategy game it has always been. With engaging gameplay, and fun characters. 87/100.
Advanced Wars has been sitting in the mud. Shame that the wildly popular tactical series that was a hit in the west has been left to rot on the DS. But don't worry, Intelligent systems, you just keep cramming anime into Fire Emblem until it starts calling everyone senpai and onii-chan. So Chucklefish saw the opportunity to strike and make more money. They tore the skin off of Harvest Moon and put it onto Stardew Valley. They saw Street Fighter wallowing in it's own self satisfied cum and made Pocket Rumble. Intelligent systems left Advanced Wars unattended, and so Chucklefish tore it apart and fed the bits to Wargroove. There’s not much to say about it, that couldn’t be copy pasted from my Advanced Wars review. You have a leader special power, military esque yadda yadda. But this military is in a fantasy setting, which in some ways works, but most of the time it just falls on its face. The story of the campaign is about as impactful as a fly on a car window, so the game grinds its teeth together and says “Well if you’re so smart why don't you fucking do it.” So it throws all the tools they used to make the game, pisses in your kabob, and pisses off for lunch. I actually made a campaign and if you wanna download it, it's in the comments, but yeah, I DID make a better game, AND it has cute dogs! The music is so painfully generic that it's unplayable without a podcast or something to help keep the sanity. So what's good about it? The game is balanced, and the pixelart looks good. But what indie game hasn’t already done that? The game nails some parts that made Advanced Wars good, but the nail comes back around and gets lodged in their balls. Why is the Main Campaign thrown in with all the fan made ones? Why can't we modify the world map? Why won't the black dude shut his mouth for 5 fucking minutes. These are all things that just make it come of as PAINFULLY mediocre. The captain toads and the Snake Passes of the world. It's fine, but others have done it better 17 years ago. All in all, Wargroove is a hit and a miss when it comes to nailing Advanced Wars. But I wouldn’t recommend unless you need narcotics to help you sleep. 72/100.
Nintendo has a tendency to make countless spinoffs of all of their popular franchises. Some of the only exceptions is Splatoon. Just you watch, Splatoon Cooking Mama is inbound. Zelda got its second spinoff, first being Crossbow Training, and Fire Emblem got one too, since it's as popular in the west as communism. They both got Warrior Orochi spinoffs. I never got into the series, since burly japanese men slashing through waves of inept retards never appealed to me. But now you can slash through waves of inept retards wearing zelda green or play as Marth and say “Look! I’m good again!”. So, Fire Hyrule Emblem Warriors both have story modes. Shorter than your dick story modes, but story modes nonetheless. In Hyrule warriors, you are link, big surprise. I didn't get the port to switch, i played it on Wii U. The only thing I remember from the story mode all that time ago is how the main villain has tits bigger than her head. If that says anything, it's that the story mode is not memorable whatsoever. Hyrule warriors has 2 newcomers. It's a pair of blonde twins, or as I like to call them, the twinkies. Twinkie’s mom dies and they have to flee the town. When they flee, they meet heros from all across Fire Emblem! Hey, how did those heros get there? Why weird warpy portal magic, of course! You have to reach the world tree, free the aegis yada yada. And when you finish the story mode, there isn't much else to do really. For both games, you finish the game when you finish the story mode. So why would you want to buy these games? I’d say for fanservice and for the gameplay. The hack and slash gameplay and simplicity of it makes it a great game to zone out and play through in one sitting. Games like Warriors, Kirby and Yoshi are perfect for sitting with some friends and beating it in an afternoon, and laughing whenever you see something or do something stupid. All in all, with only solid gameplay to its name, there’s not much worth in picking up these games, unless you’re a fan. 76/100.
I never saw myself doing this but here I fucking am. Reviewing a Tetris battle royale mode. I bet there's a timeline where we got a rerelease of Tetris on Wii ware but no we gotta give the Nintendo switch online fuckers a shitty Tetris game. Anyhoo, Tetris 99 can be simulated by snorting Adderall and asking your friend to hit you with a cow whip till the blood runs dry. There is no adequate difficulty. That's how it is with battle royale games. Either nobody targets you and you play normal fucking Tetris, or you get targeted by 10 people at the start and getting your ass clapped before you can say cunt. Tired of getting your ass clapped like a new pornstar who doesn't know what BBC is? Well, that's your fucking lot. So besides the main mode, you can look at your level which means fucking nothing, or change the controls from the tolerable one to the shitty one. Why can't I use the analog stick? Tetris isn't exactly the most demanding game guys, and the D-pad on my pro controller is for shit. I tried to get Nintendo to fix it, but they wrote it off as none of their business. Yeah, I'll commit a felony with my Nintendo switchblade™ and blame it on fucking god. Uhh... right. Tetris. So yeah, there's nothing you can do besides one arbitrary game mode. I don't even have to review it, so this is just for a laugh. If you wanna know about tit rank battle coral, just download it. It's free. The only thing you’ll lose is dignity and your anal virginity.
Mother, or Earthbound in the US, is a trilogy of cult followed RPGs. More well known as the story about those two smash bros characters and the one nobody cares about. I will mostly be talking about the two people care about. Mother 2 and 3. In the mother games, you are a normal kid doing your normal kid things. Like going outside, playing with the dog or getting molested by the uncle. You are then called to action to stop some grander evil force. The charm in all of this is that, again, you’re just a fucking kid. You go from hitting birds with bats to harassing hippies and bam after 40 hours of snorting bath salts you and your friends are fighting god. For you see, it is not a JRPG unless a bunch of fucking nobodies uses the power of friendship and ponies to kill god. The games get progressively better but the best one, Mother 3, was a Japan exclusive. Why? Because Nintendo of America thinks we can't handle it. And I don't even fucking blame them. Just look at all the stupid shit feminists woln't shut up about. The fucking prime minister of Canada wants us to us people kind. Japan is super cool with stuff that is taboo here. What was I talking about? Right. Mommies. So the game has a very unique style that no other game has pinned down. Yiik tried to but failed, and brought toby fox down with it. The backgrounds of the battles all look and sound like you've been sniffing too much paint. And the music is constantly stellar. This variety along with quirky writing keep you engaged throughout the long ass campaign. But, I personally would have liked shorter experiences. The games don't shy away from some tough themes and scary shit despite it looking like pixel art made in Krita. If you have no plans to play the games, watch the final boss of Mother 2. Don't worry, the shit in your pants is justified. If Mother 2 is intense mother 3 is balls to the fucking walls. Within the first chapter, 2 big deaths. It's a welcome shock after so many other RPGs with bland characters and uninteresting events. All in all, the mother series is worth delving into, from the writing, to the charm and gameplay, it's an experience all should undergo. Mother 2 92/100. Mother 3 94/100
Have YOU ever wanted to know what it's like to have a sexy deadbeat dad? Any of the Katamari games would do but Katamari Damacy is the best of all of them all. Katamari is a game not made by a game developer, but the game was made by an artist. So fucking of course it's got a cult following and will never get a good sequel because the artsy fartsy creator left for a different project. This is your mother games and your team Ico. Katamari Damacy follows the prince who has a little ball called a Katamari. Rolling it over objects smaller than the Katamari will add them to it. Every level has a set goal of what size you need to hit. Some levels have a goal of getting the biggest of one item, like the biggest cow you can add to the Katamari. This core gameplay is extremely satisfying. Each item you pick up makes a little plink sound. When you run over a large group of things it's a mix of oddly satisfying and erotic. When you reach the goal, you throw the Katamari and objects stuck in it up in the air to make a star, since your deadbeat dad broke all the stars and his wife left him. So he left fixing the stars with his son and left to jack off. If you don't make the Katamari big enough your dad spanks you and roasts the size of your balls. Just running through the levels one by one is great. When you start off, you’re as small as a thumbtack but then you start adding humans, then buildings, then countries. It's just an indescribable feeling to start from nothing and end off by throwing Japan into space and watching everyone suffocate. You also follow the story of a stupid mom, a neglected son, and a girl who reached god status. Just a normal day in Katamari. Besides the gameplay and story, the game looks great in HD. The visuals all pop and it has a nice style. The game has the Katamari growing to the size of whole continents and the game still holds up. In the sound department, the soundtrack is a masterpiece. It's extremely quirky, jaunty, and super memorable. The music makes each level infinitely replayable, it's hard to get sick of it. All in all, Katamari Damacy is a great game and a time waster with so many new ideas it stands out against other games. 90/100.
Okami HD is a remake of the PS2 classic. You play as Ameteratsu or Ammy, the sun god waking up from a 100-year nap to reseal the darkness that you conquered 100 years prior. You have no memory and have to start from the ground up, and no one remembers you so everyone thinks you’re a normal white wolf. It seems we found out which paper Breath of the Wild was looking at while cheating on the test. Best way to describe Okami is “Zelda but not really”. You have to restore celestial trees to push back the dark while fighting enemies. You use your celestial brush to draw different commands. A sloppy circle and a line through it make a bomb. This is Okami’s gimmick. You use the brush to solve puzzles and the like. The drawing felt great on Wil, but the sticks are fine. Not the best. Now to the best thing about Okami, the art style is amazing. Freeze the game at any moment and it looks like a work of art. The Japanese style really works for this game and is a beauty if anything. But everything is driven by the story, which is alright. You’ve got Issun who is a kinky motherfucker and loves to blow a fucking fit. There's also Sakuya which is kind of your maiden in distress but not really. The game has it's lighthearted moments, but the only one funny to me is when we met Issun after he leaped out of Sakuya’s massive tits. He threatens throughout the game to climb back it. Issun was the only one who somewhat resonated with me. He's the Navi, elzo, and Midna of this game. But the only reason he sticks with ammy is because he wants to get it up with the gods, and steal ammy’s powers. Which is a relatable goal, not unrealistic. Issun also provides a voice since ammy can't really talk on the account of being a dog. The fighting is also pretty fun, but if you want to get anywhere, you need to use the brush in tandem with your attacks. Since the brush freezes time, it can be a pace killer at moments, but it's a nice gameplay mechanic. My only other gameplay complaint is how ammy has to run 100 fucking miles to start sprinting, and the jumping is kinda iffy. All in all, Okami at it's best is an absorbing zelda experience, and at it's worst it's a dad joke. 88/100
Mighty No. 9 was trying to dig Mega Man's corpse and was busted by the cops for being a load of horse shit. Mega Man 11 is Mega Man’s triumphant return. He hasn't had a game in 8 years. It was a shame really, who is gonna kick our genitals in? But now he's back. But, One thing to note about booting up the game, it always starts with the same story cutscene which is annoying. I personally don't care about mega man's plot. But from the parts that i paid attention too, it goes like this. A long time ago, Dr.Willey wanted to work on the double gear system which something something bad, and Dr.Light shoots his idea down. Flash forward 40 on years later and Dr.Willey wakes up in a cold sweat with 6 nuts in his boxers. He remembers the double gear system and uses it to turn a bunch of robots evil. Mega Man adds the double gear system to himself and off he goes. Again, you aren't buying Mega Man for the plot. It's for the gameplay because surprise surprise gameplay has the word game in it. You start off with a limited moveset. A blaster, a dog that can boost you up, a dash, and 6 nuts in your bo- I mean the double gear system. Pressing R slows down time, pressing L doubles your firepower, and pressing L+R at critical health starts the double gear, where both are in effect. Your arsenal increases when you beat a robot master, and you gain his ability. There are 8 robot masters in total, and each one has a long level, usually with one or two gimmicks. Unlike Mario, Mega Man has always vouched for quality over quantity. If quality means beating your spouse with the controller. The one turnoff for every Mega Man game is the difficulty. If you are new to Mega Man, don't be afraid to switch to easy mode, trust me. As you get your cock and ball torture, you can look at the pretty visuals! Or, you can listen to the super stock generic soundtrack. GOD the soundtrack is so bland. Mega Man isn't a musical maestro from the get-go, but this is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to sound and audio design. All in all, Mega Man 11 is a great return to the series and its roots. While some things about mega man haven't aged all too well, it's still a fun romp worth picking up. 88/100
Let's get retro motherfuckers. I'm not buying the new travis strikes back game and nothing else is crazy review worthy. Let’s review the worst game of all time. E.T. for the Atari 2600. I bought the game second hand and the man who sold it to me said “That's a terrible game, yknow.” I responded with a “Yes. I know.” For those who don't know, most of the budget was blown off to get the rights to ET. The game was also crunched for time to make it for the holiday season. That's the cooking mama recipe for a shit storm. There is no clear objective, and you always fall in holes even if you step vaguely near a hole. You have a health bar that's always ticking down and if it runs out you get a firm kick in the balls so you have no escape from suffering. There are also random townspeople who run up to you and throw you in their sex bunker. It's easy to get out so it's more of an inconvenience than a full on molesting. But besides that, not much else to ET. But, I feel like this is a filler review, since no one's gonna buy ET. So why am i reviewing it? Oh right, cause we all like to take a good shit once in a while, and ET is the perfect game to shit on. And with that, you HAVE to play ET. You gotta see this shit show. It's like making fun of a deformed child. It's great. Everyone should buy ET for the Atari 2600.
Konami has been handing out and getting a lot of shit lately. They’ve hit rock bottom, and all they put out is gambling games now. But with the 33rd anniversary of Bomberman, Konami shart out Super Bomberman R. The newest entry in a decade. It was a switch exclusive until June, and a big feature is a single-player campaign. The campaign is short, a few worlds with 10 levels each. The big focus is also online multiplayer. With a coin shop for skins and such. I played through the whole campaign as Solid Snake just because I fucking can. The campaign is fairly simplistic, although there are some small tedious points like the escort missions, where the payload is as fragile as a leaf and is dumber than the said leaf. The whole campaign is linked by a fairly barebones story. But it's saving grace is the really endearing style of the cutscenes. The cutscenes are done in a really nice cartoon style, and the simple characters and simple names make the story really comprehensible. No need to remember weird names, every character is named after the color of their skin! Not racist! The game dabbles in robotic free will and sadness at one point, until it's interrupted by another joke. The campaign gives off a PowerPuff Girls vibe. The villains are wacky and goofy, and the heroes get into all sorts of wacky hijinks on the way. It's short and sweet, and I didn't expect much else. The multiplayer is still that memorable, terroristic fun, and yeah. Not much else to it. It's not memorable, but it's not bad. All in all, if you’re looking for a simple game or some multiplayer fun, Super Bomberman R is right up your alley. 78/100.
I can't shit on this game enough, can't I? I'm sorry to say it again but I have to. Detroit Become Human fails at the one thing that it tries to do, immersive storytelling. The story is hot shit, and if the story is hot shit, the “Immersive” controls are a shining star of boiling liquid shit. I've said shit a lot so I'll say fuck instead. This FUCKING game is a fucking mess. Do not buy it you FUCKING cunt. -- With that, 2018 is over. Goodbye 2018. Dont let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Bitch.
I'm gonna sound pretentious aren't I? My worst game of 2018 was a double-A game, and my best game is an indie. It's Celeste. Celeste is my best game of 2018 and everyone should play it. Even if the gameplay is too hard for you, the story makes it well worth it. You should play Celeste, if you've played celeste, Badline is best girl can't change my mind.
When I was first playing super mario 3D world, I saw a comment that said "they should make a game out of the captain toad levels!" Captain toad, you lucky motherfucker, you managed to make me fall asleep for the second goddamn time. This game doesn't benifit you at all. Every puzzle is piss easy, the pace is slow and mundane, and the price is way too high. I would only recommend captain toad if you are under 10 years old or when your sleep pills aren't strong enough. Even then I'd take formaldehyde over this bland mess.
I know I haven't even finished the review for this game, but the most underrated game of 2018 is Katamari Damacy Reroll. If you know me, you know how i never shut up about this game. Even though Namco is kinda abusing the property against the will of Keita Takahashi, Katamari Damacy is a remaster done right. Katamari as a series has the sort of refreshing weirdness that only Japanese games can provide. It's cute, looks great, controls good, and is worth the price tag. I put it under underrated because it came out the same day as smash bros, anything that comes out in a 1 month period of a smash bros game coming out is immediately forgotten. If you are a human being who breathes air, you should pick up Katamari on Nintendo Switch or PC.
I can't say much else about Ultimate that hasn't been said already been said by everyone. Besides ign, no one likes ign. Smash Ultimate is the ULTIMATE smash bros. The only thing I can talk about that isn't in other smash games is the story mode. First off, the story mode. It's really good, the fact that you can unlock spirits and fighters via the story mode, is really cool, but something is missing. It begins with an S and ends with tory. The game is super lacking in the story department. And before you soyboy CUCKS say that Sakurai wanted it to be more gameplay oriented, this isn't an excuse for there being none at ALL. Galeem is cool, dark Galeem or whatever is cool. But they aren't interesting. Why do you have a crazy talented 3D animation department if you’re gonna give us 4 cutscenes, and half of them were shown before the game even fucking released? The only thing I got from world of light was a fuckton of useless spirits and a time waster. It's just grind. I can't play world of light for an hour before I get sick of it and play online. Speaking of online, it's absolute ass. For Glory was great as a system. This is a HUGE backtrack. I want 1v1s, and I'm thrown into a super laggy free for all where I SD and get blocked for 30 minutes. Then I go and play Katamari. It's already getting patched, but you turned off so many people from your game, cause your servers (that we pay for) can't handle a free for all. Phew, got it all out. Besides world of light and the online. All the smash modes are fun and interesting, smash down is genius, and classic mode is better than ever. A bunch of detail is poured into every stage, every character, and every mode. All the newcomers feel justified too, the Belmonts and Inklings are a no-brainer for smash bros, and Joker as DLC is just perfect. The game isn't slow like brawl, but it isn't Initial D on LSD fast like melee. It's a perfect balance that lets some Melee cock suckers to enjoy ultimate. Besides the tedious story mode and the shitty online, Ultimate is the best smash bros game. Well worth the wait and well worth the price. 94/100. What? Yeah I said Ultimate is better than Melee, the fuck are YOU gonna do about it?
I'm a huge Persona nerd. So you know ya boi had to buy a second hand Vita and get Persona 4 Golden. But when I did, I head that there was a neat little game called Gravity Rush on the Vita. I picked it up, expecting to drop it soon. But I didn't, Gravity Rush is one of the most absorbing games, not story wise, but in its interesting gameplay and combat. You are Kat, a girl who woke up in a slum with no recollection of what happened, and ass pain; always a good sign. The main rub of the game is that you have gravity bending powers. You can make things float, walk on walls and the works. Gravity shifting might lead to puzzles, but gravity rush lets that take a back seat and focuses on combat. The main move is your gravity kick, where you float in the air and slam down with a kick from your massive thighs. You also have special attacks but that takes 3 lifetimes to restore. All gravity moves and attacks are aimed with motion controls. While tedious at first, they really do help with accurate aiming. Since you have limited gravity time, accuracy is your best friend and the controls help. The only time you aren't fighting, you’re collecting gems. These power kat up, and make the game a whole lot easier. The game, even on vita, looks stunning. It has a wind waker esque style, and it's great. Even better on the ps4 remaster. All the cutscenes are in this comic book style, and the talk scenes have bits of the characters talking their native language. Which of course is a bunch of gibberish, to save on voice acting costs. The story, on the other hand, takes so many twists and turns. First, god vores us to save the city or something? Then there are these kids we can't save? It's all hard to follow, but let's be real, you bought it for the combat, and there's no need for much else really. There are other characters besides kat, but none are as memorable as her. But really, the whole game is a memorable experience, from the endearing style to the fun combat. All in all, unless you’re retarded, pick up the ps4 remaster and try out this hidden gem. 89/100.
Pokemon Lets Go Pikachu and Eevee have been getting both a lot of love and a lot of shit. Like double penetration with a new dildo and a hot metal rod. I’m in the middle of it all. It's a fine entry in the series. The game improves a lot of things, putting it a step ahead of other pokemon games. In other aspects, however, it falls on its face and chokes on spit. Visually, it looks great. Some say it's just an upscaled Sun and Moon. But one thing that Let's Go has over literally every single pokemon game is the main protagonist has fucking face muscles. Sun and moon took a step in the right direction, but Let’s Go gave the main protagonist a full range of emotions. It's nice to see classic moments from Kanto in full expression. The scene with cubone’s mother is all the more moving because the protagonist isn't smiling blank-faced. The mechanics are a little wonky though. Sequence breaking is in high abundance, thanks to some ride pokemon, and the game is piss easy. It's supposed to draw in Pokemon Go fans and children, but spare some fucking mercy and add a hard mode. Nuzzlocks are the only possible difficulty, but the idea is broken by the fact that you can go the entire game without entering any wild pokemon battles. Overworld pokemon is a good idea, but it needs some tweaking. Another strength is the ost. Sure, it's all remasters, but they’re damn good remasters. What else is new? Your partner is also a problem. Yeah, it's cute, but it's a guaranteed 6 iv pokemon; broken as fuck. You can go the game with only one 6 iv pokemon AND no wild encounters. These issues add up quick, but when you break it down, it's still a pokemon game. Walk around, enslave some animals, and get ready to talk about shorts. It's a strange entry, but a welcome one. Again, despite the flaws, I enjoyed Lets Go. Mostly because it's a shakeup to the usual formula. Which is why I think it's getting so much shit. Most Pokemon fans have gone mental, and any spinoff or deviation from the formula is spat upon. But deviation is fun, for fuck's sake. All in all, Lets Go is worth a pickup if you’re looking for a simple experience or are just a poke-nerd. 85/100.
Smash 4, the starter of many firsts and the end of many. Smash 4 was the first smash bros game on a portable handheld, at the time, that was crazy. I played the HELL out of smash 3DS until Wii U came out and i dropped 3ds faster than an irresponsible parent drops his child. Wii U was weird, since it dropped so many iconic Brawl characters, and with Brawls story mode, a story mode was expected, but it was nowhere to be found. 4 was also developed by Bandai Namco, which gave Sakurai the manpower he needed. They added classic characters, like Mega Man, Ryu, and woah big surprise Pac-Man! It's almost like the game was developed by Bandai. The DLC was ever so controversial though. Since it was left to the fans to decide. And we all know that the Smash fandom is a bunch of Melee babies and unquenchable needy bastards. The DLC brought lots of great characters, but none like Bayonetta and Cloud. Both 3rd parties, and both left way too overpowered when the game finished it's patches. Wii U and 3ds are worth playing now, but every smash game EVER (besides brawl i guess) will be undermined on Friday the 7th.
Oh brawl, you clusterfuck of a game. Almost everyone hates you, AND the word brawl sounds weird when you say it too many times. The game really made a clear divide between the competitive/pro players and the casuals (me). Most competitive players see casuals as people who are scared of for glory and main the character they like the most. But a positive for casuals, at least they have basic hygiene. Brawl is the slowest smash game, which is a far cry from Melee’s attention span reducing speed. The game also gave Meta Knight crazy ass combos, which left in Smash 4 and came back in Ultimate. But the reason why us casuals still suck off Brawl to this day, is Subspace Emissary. That shit was WILD. But because motherfuckers uploaded the cutscenes online, we lost a story mode in Smash 4. Thanks prosafia, happy now? Brawl also added 3rd parties like Sonic and Solid Snake. Which was positively received. Besides that, Brawl was a fairly normal smash game. Definitely play it for Sub Space.
This review has no items, fox only, on final destination. Melee is praised as the best Smash game, I disagree. I personally hate melee, because of what surrounds it. A bunch of fat, smelly, 30 year old man babies who can never be satisfied. Melee by far has the strongest community. The worst kind of community, a competitive one. Melee added some strange characters, like Fire Emblem, little did we know that Smash Bros ft. Fire Emblem would turn into Fire Emblem ft. Smash Bros so soon. Fox is the only played character in Melee, since he’s broken to hell and back. But what of Fox now? Well, he got nerfed and fell all the way down to C. But he looked at himself in the mirror and said “Fox, you’re at a low point. Lets cimb our way back up the list, and become viable again.” Now he sits at A tier. Longing for a day when he can beat everyones ass in. I’d like to say more about Melee but when you boil it down, Melee is only popular because of it's refined gameplay and fast action. It's the oldest smash game worth replaying. Since it still has an active community… for some reason.
Smash 64 was the first Smash Bros game, and started many smash traditions. It started off as “haha wouldn't it be funny if kirby and mario fought?” Now Smash and it's community boiled down to a bunch of whining kids. Smash 64 was a small game, but a fond one. It added the strange and niche character Ness. Now there are a bunch of screaming Mother Fans who want Localized Mother 3. But what made Smash 64 so fond was that it was so easy to pick up. That's what Smash Bros is. A fun party game for you and some friends to make your favorite characters clash. Now the competitive community! Oh wait it doesn't exist. But tier lists still exist, and it's widely agreed upon that Pikachu is the best fighter, afterwards, he fell on his face and fell at a flat B tier. He’s still there to this day. Looking back on the good old days. I wouldnt reccomend playing it unless you wanna see the roots of smash bros.
Deltarune is a turn-based RPG made by Toby Fox. So get ready for a good game and a freaky fandom. Deltarune is an AU of Undertale which is cool but kinda unnecessary. The first part of the game is flexing Undertale. You play as Kris, Barney, and pure boi uwu “he makes me soft”. Deltarune feels more fleshed out in its combat, and having more than one character makes it more interesting. Everything else is more or less the same as Undertale. The dialogue and interesting boss battles still prevail. The characters got annoying though, not because of the way they’re written, but the fandom around them. The Undertale haters love Deltarune cause it's not Undertale, and everyone else likes it cause it's free. Ralsei, Susie, and Lancer all got talked about to death. That's why Kris is my favorite. She’s silent, edgy, a murderer, and Barney tried to vore her at school. Deltarune is incomplete though, that's why I can't rate it. But I will give it the Skylar thumbs up of approval. If you have a computer, give it a whirl.
Persona 5 is the newest entry in the Persona sub-series. You follow Mr.Stinky Bad Criminal Man who is on probation for defending a woman for sexual harassment. You then later find out that there is a secret other world, where corrupted forms of humans exist. If you steal their source of corruption, they become nicer people in the real world. All of this while being a high school student. Sounds complicated? It really isn't. Its simplicity brought it to the mainstream. It is now upheld as the best Persona game ever, even though half the fuckers never played an older Persona game. But it does deserve all the praise it's getting, it's a really great game. First of all, the soundtrack is great, albeit, repetitive. The game only has one battle theme. The theme is great mind you, but for a long story campaign, one theme is really stretching it. The RPG battle system is also really nice. The UI is nice and clean, no need to shuffle through menus to get to the attack button. Everything is mapped to one button. The characters and development are also great. The whole gang's here! Go to sleep, Yosuke but worse, cat fetish, pervy artist, the brown haired one, the gardening one, oranged haired D.VA, and pancake boy! All of them are great characters, and you can pick and choose who you want to know more about. The more you hang out with them, the higher the bond you have and the stronger they are in battle. In contrast, the game also has a constant bleakness to it. The game starts off with the main character getting arrested, abused, and told that he was turned in by one of his teammates. Not a happy way to start a game. Everything in the game up to the very end is a flashback from the protagonist in jail. The persona games all have a ‘Theme’ to them. 5’s theme is jail and free will, furthering the depressing bleakness like a fucking attempted suicide rehab center. Not as bad as persona 3, which cuts the shit and the theme is straight up death. But that aside, graphics are nice, jiggle physics are in full swing. All in all, Persona 5 is the best entry in the series and a great starting point for newcomers. Amazing game if you have a high tolerance for anime. 96/100.
Persona 4 is the 4th main entry in the persona series. In Persona 4 you play as Mr.Hunk. A silent protagonist and has guys, girls and foxes falling head over heels for him. Persona 4 is all about balance. You investigate the murders of several people in your sleepy japanese town while also being a highschooler cause why the fuck not. You must balance your Day to Day life while keeping your detective side a secret from the real detectives who can’t do shit. You soon deduce that those who are murdered are thrown into an alternate world inside the TV. When fog rises in the real world, the shadows grow restless, and murder all in the TV. When it rains at midnight, the tv shows who will be murdered next. When someone is thrown into the TV, they face their shadow self. If they beat it, they gain the power of a persona. The cycle can now begin. See someone on the midnight channel, enter the TV, beat their shadow form, add them to your party. Your power in beating these shadow forms and demons comes from forming bonds. If you form a bond with Yukiko and tell her how much you wanna fondle her tits, both of you grow a little closer and get a little more powerful. Persona 4 has really lovable characters compared to the rest of the franchise. And the shadow forms do show a hidden side of a person, which allows for some really interesting backstories. But it is a big murder mystery, and i won't spoil anything but for me, the murderer was really fucking obvious. When exploring dungeons or walking around, surprisingly catchy music plays at almost a constant. Although it is reused a lot, it never felt stale for me. But don't try to sing along. The lyrics are splatoon levels of distorted. All in all, persona 4 has a lot going for it. Likable characters, fun gameplay, and a great, albeit cliche story, it's a must play for any RPG or Mystery fans. 91/100.
Undertale is a touchy topic. You have 2 things that happen when you talk about Undertale. Either a super small niche group of fan-babies scream about how much they want to have intercourse with a skeleton, or you get literally everyone else making Undertale jokes and talking about how bad the fandom is and how much they want to have intercourse with a skeleton. But no one seems to accept the fact that all the weird creepy Undertale fans are basically all gone. Yes, you still have your clingy fuckers, but those weird fanfic writers and shippers do absolutely no detriment to the great game that is Undertale. It's gotten fairly recent re-releases on consoles, so now seems like an appropriate time to talk about it because it's bound to get a resurgence. Undertale is a game about many things. The only game really like it are games like Doki Doki. Where they set gameplay mostly aside and put a major focus on fucking with your mind and heart. While Doki Doki delivers on visuals and characters, it fails in gameplay whatsoever. But Undertale finds a sweet balance. It has bullet hell, turn-based combat; and a great story. It really only lacks in visuals. I know it's supposed to be “Inspired by the Mother series!” But even earthbound on the SNES didn't look like a free unity sprite pack or a self-portrait some Asian kid did while he or she was bored with MS Paint. But this was all done by one guy. Props to Toby but could you at least make the sprites look like a human lifeform instead of ET? But that aside. I won't talk much else. Because YOU should play it. It's a great game. No denying that. Don't let a few weird fuckers get in between you and an unforgettable experience. 92/100.
Most shooters tend to stay the same from sequel to sequel so that the angry little fanboys don't shoot Activision. So Activision sharts out the same game every year with a pinch of glitter. Splatoon must be taking the same route so reviewing one game means reviewing them all. In Splatoon, you play as a(n) [INSERT CEPHALOPOD] human hybrid who can piss their color on the ground using weapons. You have 3 basic modes. Turf war, whoever pisses the most in 3 minutes. Story mode, pissing on AI. And ranked, PISS OFF. In the sequel, however, there is another mode. Salmon run, which is pissing on AI in a squad. Turf war is the main mode you use to level up and get money. Ranked is for tryhards. The story mode is for weapon skins and new gear. And salmon run is for items and money. The story of the story mode is that [INSERT CHARACTER] Needs your help to rescue [ENTER MCGUFFIN] by beating octarians. There is also a regular splatfest every month when they feel like announcing it. Where [ENTER FAP MATERIAL] and [ENTER LEAST FAVORITE] duke it off to see what's better. It can range from Cats vs Dogs to a full-on species war. The matchmaking tends to be absolute rubbish on these and the questions are terrible. But despite all the kicks to the balls I just gave splatoon, it's a surprisingly enjoyable game, pissing on the floor never felt so good. 87/100.
I never really expected to get into Xenoblade. I didn't play the first because JRPG, I didn't play the second cause it was a spinoff and on Wii u, and I was left with 2. The main reason that Xenoblade 2 got so much draw was because of miss tit. Everyone either freaked out or had a huge bulge when the trailer at E3 had jiggle physics! How fun. In Xenoblade, you follow our main protagonist. Rex, who sells shit on the market he finds in the ocean. I'm not kidding. A group of edgy teens ask for his help and gives him 100k. He accepts and meets miss tits blade and driver. Blades are the support and shield and drivers swing the sword. Along with their adventures, they enlist a party of friends to tag along. This party includes an angry welsh girl, fat fuck, hunky surgical mishap, and the tomboy. This ragtag group of heroes must make it to Elysium. The big thing in the sky with god. So that miss waifu can commit suicide and rex can find a home for the human population. Since all land is on the backs of great beasts, and their all dead. Now I thought id quit halfway, but I got surprisingly invested. After it ended, I went back and zoomed though Xenoblade one. I then realized… The endings are exactly the same? So a scientist fucks up, and tries to become god and half of his body is in one universe and one is in the other. The mean half is Xenoblade 1 and the chill one is Xenoblade 2. How unoriginal and uncreative do you have to be to have a sequel like that? I didn't bother to play the Wii u one because maybe his dick went to their world and became their god. Story fuckery aside, the gameplay is alright, ill be it a bit wonky; and the musical score is great. It has many memorable tunes that get stuck in easily. All in all, Xenoblade 2 impresses with its diverse characters and musical score. But with an unoriginal ending and a wonky battle system, it scores an 87/100.
Horizon Zero Dawn really got the short end of the stick. It came out a month before zelda and everyone dropped it in a month because it's fucking zelda. But in Hribble Scribble Dribble, you play as Alloy, cause ha ha funny metal pun. You are part of a tribe of natives who live in the ruins of an ancient advanced civilization. Old cities are “tainted grounds” and their hunt is robot animals that roam the land like normal animals. Alloy is a shun of the tribe because something something no mommy. She wanders around some nearby ruins and finds a used google glass and puts it on. This allows her to see weaknesses, and look at documents and talk to people who also have the glass, who was presumably no one, until one day, while trying to regain entrance and remove your shun, a group of masked guys raid the competition and they all have used google glasses! Gasp! Then you and some black guy in your head run around trying to put the pieces together and avenge your tribe. Now the plot is driven by the combat, and is the main focus. You have several weapons, bows, traps, traps, longbow, spear. So the “idea” is to stealth around and place traps. When your prey falls in, wail with arrows, or shove a spear up their ass. But i went the whole game just using bows and spears. But that's mostly because they stay in large groups. If one falls in the trap and i start beating it, his friends will appear and shove their spear up my ass. Stealth is fine, but it doesn't make sense how i can be in grass up to my head and they'll still spot me. I have to be in this special red grass. Since i'm a redhead and they can’t spot me when i'm with my kin. All in all, HZD manages to be unique from other sandboxes, with good combat, music score, and story, it's worth a pickup for any ps4 owners. 90/100.
Shantae has been a surprisingly long-running series. The games have highs and really, really low lows. Like, coming down from a high low. But it was a surprise to us all that the next Shantae game was to be kickstarted. Hearing this news was very disappointing, but inevitable. In Shantae Half-Genie Hero you play as Shantae, the burlesque dancer! You have to run around and find all the parts for your uncle's machine, which should keep all the monsters away. First things first, the game looks and sounds great. The hand-drawn visuals are a joy to see. The music is also really nice, having more funky/upbeat music. The main theme “Dance Through the Danger” is by far the best though. But issues arise when you look into the gameplay. Most of the transform abilities are broken as fuck. Then there's the magical tiara. The tiara is unlocked by getting all of the gallery keys and opening rooms to the fan art that's been submitted by top-tier patrons. This tiara gives you infinite magic. Getting the keys are anything but hard, and you have a spell that gives you invincibility in exchange for magic. With the tiara, you are invincible forever, and cannot die. The pacing is also broken. It's like switching on and off the brakes every 2 seconds. The DLC is also pretty poor. None of the campaigns introduce anything new. It's running through the same stages fighting the same bosses, and it gets stale really fast. All in all, Shantae reached new highs with Pirates Curse, but this game fell flat in the middle for me. 85/100
Let's get the blunt and obvious out of the way. CQ cumber is the reincarnation of god. He controls the currency, only mode of transportation, all-knowing, and cannot be splatted. Agent 8? Pearl and Marina? Cuttlefish? Never heard of em! With that out of the way, Octo Expansion is a perfect example of DLC done RIGHT. Get your dicks out of your own asses Activision, EA, and Ubisoft! This is what you should be inspired by! The content provides 0 in-game advantages and is completely optional and adds to the story. The value of the DLC comes from the 80+ test rooms that are available to you. Some are super easy and some are not. To give you a difficulty idea imagine getting nailed in the balls while Octo Expansion laughs at you and writes cunt on your forehead. Something besides the difficulty is how dark the expansion can get. If you lose all your CQ points, if it wasn't for pearl, eight would live an endless dead-end job down in the deepsea metro never seeing the light of the outside world, losing your free will. But the darkest thing is if you fail, CQ presses a button and the literal BOMB on your back explodes, killing you. Sanitized Octolings also raises several ethical questions. Looking around, one can infer that octolings are kidnaped, chained onto a surgical table, an ooze made of body parts is injected into their heads, and their memory and free will is wiped and replaced with a computer esque program enslaving them to their commanders. Who knew Nintendo's “”Family Friendly Shooter”” is darker than an edgy teens room. All in all, Octo Expansion provides ample challenge and a tale as deep and dark as the depths of the sea. Octo Expansion gets a 90/100.
Everyone says I'm severely mentally ill. Since I enjoy ballbusting difficulty that makes you cry and lose sleep. Cuphead is a Run ‘n Gun/Boss Rush hybrid. If you couldn't tell, it's really hard. In Cuphead, you play as Cuphead! You gamble away your soul and must do satan's dirty work so you DON'T die. This premise you are given right off the bat is a true ode to the time period this game is inspired on! The animation era of rubber hose animation. This was the time where the likes of Popeye, Mickey, Betty Boop, and racist propaganda were the stars of the animation world. Not only do I have a strong tie to this era, I have a strong tie to this style of animation. That makes the thought that all of this was painstakingly hand-drawn, makes me even more appreciative of the devs. I also take my hat off to the devs for making this game extremely hard. Not only was the time era hard, but so is working off debt and it gives Cuphead a legitimate reason to rip off my skin and sew it back on with string soaked in lemon juice. It's the sort of difficulty that is fair and balanced. When it kicks your teeth in, it kicked them in for a reason, when it rips your balls off, it rips them off for a reason, when your wife leaves you, she leaves for a reason. It's all fair game. All in all, Cuphead visually and audibly is a treat to behold. The gameplay is fair but difficult. 92/100.
Oh ARMS, you little mess. I personally love arms but it seems like there are not too many people out there who feel the same way. ARMS is Nintendo’s first new idea since Pikmin and Splatoon. But the game just, didn't stick around. I mostly blame it on 2 things. One being lack of content. ARMS feels so barebones. It's singleplayer is just a rush of battles then a boss. I felt like Splatoon 1 had a bare singleplayer, but this is even worse. Then the second thing is the release date. It was scheduled right next to Splatoon, a game everyone already loves. ARMS was dropped faster than a fat kid at a jungle gym. Or like an older brother when the new baby comes. Everyone is paying attention to the newborn and not to him. So he does a bunch of stuff to get people's attention, like free character DLC and new modes. That aside. ARMS’ main draw is multiplayer. The online is really fun, and ranked isn't vein popping, stress-inducing, controller breaking hell, like in other games. But the game is really unbalanced. If you want to win, use one of the two crutches. Ribbon Girl! Bounce around like an 8-year-old on pot and never get hit! Ninjara! Disappear like my father and grab the enemy when you reappear! Despite that, I am a hypocrite and mostly use Ribbon Girl. Not only does she cause wowsers in my trousers, but she causes wowsers in everyone else's when I beat their balls in. All in all, ARMS is an underrated game, but with a barebones singleplayer and little support in 2018, it gets an 86/100.
“Super Mario 3D World was great and all but remember those little captain toad levels?” said a drunk Nintendo Worker “Yeah? What about them?” “Let's make a full on game with those stupid levels with the most annoying protagonist!” “Wow! What a smart idea!” “Let's port it to our next console too!” “Yeah!” and so Captain Toad Treasure Tracker was painfully sharted out and ported onto the switch. Toad moves like he has molasses up his ass, and the “gameplay” is slow, boring, and tedious. I think I checked my phone about 3 times while playing it. I was one of the sad shits who bought it for Wii U. But regardless of where you bought it unless you pass the time by slamming your head into a wall, I doubt you’ll have any real fun. At least the visuals are nice! If by nice you mean the same fucking engine both 3D world games used and the soundtrack is just as mediocre. I highly doubt the switch version added anything of significance. I'd bash it some more but I'm scared his nonexistent dick will fall off. If you bought it for Wii U, I'm so sorry, if you bought it for the switch, why didn't you buy Octopath? All in all, Captain Toad is a slim excuse for a game. With everything being painfully mediocre, it gets a 60/100.
Jesus Christ, I cannot tell you how many reviewers are bending over backward to suck God of Wars dick. It is pretty far from being “The best game evah!” but it's still pretty good. One thing that I really hate about this game is the new Kratos. He use to be so excessively violent, now he has to be a good boy to teach his son an example. And I'll say this once and I'll say it again. The boy isn't good. He's a shitty character that's there so everyone with parental issues can bust a nut whenever he calls him dad. Old Kratos was badass! If something was alive he beat the shit out of it! He saw a lady he fucked her! But I guess all of that fucking made the little cumsprout who screams “You're on fire!” when I can clearly tell I'm on fire. Historically, we’re supposed to go to 9 realms but oh silly me how could I forget! AAA games can't be a “Full and complete experience!” We gotta make DLC! The combat is also ass now. They just slapped a weird ass weapon tree to Kratos and all of the unlockable moves are bullshit. But that aside, the environments are nice. The cutscenes add some interactivity by making me move during what's essentially a cutscene. Good thing, so i don't fall asleep. Besides the new moves being ass, the combat still is pretty fun. You know what? No, God of War 4 isn't good. I should stop lying to myself. Compared to older titles, it's absolute ASS. But as a standalone experience, it's just alright. But it's like someone who has a great legacy behind him, where all his predecessors did great things, he gets addicted to meth. Meth, in this case, is DLC and incomplete games. All in all, God of War 4 disappoints for a fan but is an alright standalone game. 87/100.
Monster Hunter games have been around for a long while, but they've never really made a splash in the west until Monster Hunter World. This is the first Monster Hunter game that doesn't look like a shitty PS2 game. The world is stunning, and the realisim sticks when you can see 2 monsters duking it out. Then both of them notice you and you get the fuck outta there. The only thing that you do in Monster Hunter is simply, hunt monsters. There is no more and no less. You can use a variety of weapons to assist in your monster genocide. Those weapons can be upgraded via parts of monsters you slew. The difficulty curve is a little fucked, but it's not that bad. Something that is bad, just like in Xenoblade, a monster that's about your level can be surrounded by monsters that are way above yours. I cannot tell you how many times I've been butt fucked because I was looking for my bounty but ran into a huge fire-breathing dragon that killed me cause he looked at me funny. But a big downside is the fact that it suffers from navisim. You know the kind of NPC. The annoying little shit that provides zero help. This case, it's the handler. At first, I thought the handler would uh, actually help? But no, she reminds you how to breathe every time you blink. And no, you can't cut her down with your greatsword. But annoying bitches aside, the core gameplay of Monster Hunter is so addicting. Dying several times before finally killing that monster is just so satisfying. All in all, Monster Hunter is a great place to start for any newbie to the series. Boasting stunning visuals and the great Monster Hunter gameplay, it's great for anyone craving a little difficulty. 90/100.
Ahhh here it is. The big game. The “Game of the Year” as if everyone can agree on one game. I find the phrase “Game of the Year” to be really distasteful. It’s just asking for a big logo on the repackaged game in the corner with “Game of the Year 20XX!” For once in my life, I can come to terms with the Game of the Year. Breath of the Wild is just a good game. There’s not much else to it. It's just really good. But it's not perfect. No one can get that close, god forbid from Nintendo. What I personally don’t like about it is its lack of a new story. If you ditched everything else in the Zelda formula them you might as well ditch the story and develop a new one for once. Mario and Link have been gangbanging the Damsel in Distress formula that the condom biodegraded. Another lack of change is the fact that link has as much personality as a plastic cup. Except for Wind Waker link, he’s a glass cup. More text or cutscenes where Link isn’t just blank protagonist would’ve been nice. Ah now here’s the part where you say “Oh! He’s gonna talk about the weapons! He’s gonna talk about the weapons!” and I say Fuck off! The weapons are fine, the combat is the usual Z targeting, it’s just a good game. Go play it. If I don’t give it a 100%, i’ll get crucified by fanboys... but fuck it 95/100.
Now I know steam is really saturated with Metroidvanias and Dungeon Crawlers, but don’t pass over this one. In Hollow Knight, you follow The Knight, as he reaches Dirtmouth and sees that everyone has gone down a well with old ruins. The story is almost non-existent at first but it opens up as you progress. For a 15 dollar game that’s regularly on sale, it’s amazing how much content it has. It’s honestly a fucking steal. A huge world to explore, charms to collect, bosses to beat, it’s great. I feel like it’s almost worth double the price. Explore deeper and deeper and get even stronger and stronger, Hollow Knight nails this Metroidvania format. It’s fun to watch your progress from getting fucked over in the beginning to being the one fucking everyone else over. The platforming sections are precise and fair. The combat is smooth and is a pleasure. The difficulty is challenging, but it’s fair. It might be strange for newcomers to Hollow Knight and those new to Metroidvania. The unlocks are fun and have lots of variety, and allow you to feel a strong sense of progress. All in all, Hollow Knight is a great game, with great visuals and gameplay. But it’s difficulty and lack of direction for newcomers might be a bit deterring. 93/100.
Quantic Dream games tend to be an absolute joke. The game even blatantly tells you it's terrible when it gives you a survey at the end where 77% of people weren't touched by the story. Detroit becomes shit stain is about robot consciousness. That's about it. The game is ridden with plot holes just like every single Quantic game, and one of the “Twists” defies the whole fucking point of that storyline. And Sony, Detroit isn't an exclusive you should flaunt like you're proud to have it. The entire game is just painfully cliche. Like a rich guy being an ass or a meth addict saying he can't wait to beat his daughter out loud. I feel like quantic dream read the first 3 pages of an Issac Asimov book and got bored and made a game. I always found myself screaming questions at the screen. It’s puzzling to me that Quantic still makes games. I feel like they're still afloat because sensitive shits keep buying his trash up straight from the dumpster. All in all, Detroit: Become Human is a fairly forgettable experience assuming you're not bipolar. 70/100
Playing a lot of Stardew Valley is like being addicted to snorting sugar. You don’t really know why, and it's probably bad for you, but you keep going. Stardew Valley may advertise itself as a simplistic farming game but it’s far from that. You could skip farming entirely for the most part. You can fish, mine, fight or forage. You also have town interactions where you walk around thinking “Ok out of all these 16-bit women which do I wanna fuck the most” Now I would say that Stardew has a protagonist but no villain, but that’s sort of untrue. The villain is Joja Corp otherwise known as Jojo's bizarre company because I really don't know what this company is. Like, you use to work for Joja as an office job? But they look to be more like Walmart or Coca-Cola? But their staple product is Joja Cola, which is absolute shit, and their motto is “Join us. Thrive.” Which sounds like a phrase that gets plastered onto a wall in Nazi Germany with someone shaking their head and saying “Zis is very goud! Hail Joja!” The way to “beat the game” would be to complete the ruined community center and close Joja down. That aside, everything in the game is very simplistic, but there's so much, it gets complicated fast. “Ok, I gotta water the farm then harvest my mushrooms, give the cat water and give the chickens food and hopefully it'll be before 4 o'clock before Flint closes the smithy and then I have to get to the carpenter and upgrade my coop for more chickens.” Stuff like this builds up fast. But the game offers ways to do stuff for you. Like sprinklers to water plants or silos to feed animals. But despite all the work, it’s strangely addicting. It’s the Animal Crossing sort of magic that makes you sit in one place for 3 days straight and your concerned parents come downstairs and ask you to step outside and you yell at them saying you just got asked out on a date. All in all, Stardew Valley, despite being simplistic, has a lot to offer, but it's not for everyone. 89/100.
A Hat In Time was originally crowdfunded on Kickstarter, which should immediately raise about 50 red flags. Kickstarted games almost never end well. But the game surprised me in many ways. The first scene when the game boots up is Hat Kid waking up and finding the mafia (Yes, the fucking mafia) saying that she has to pay a fee. She tells him “fuck off bitch” and he smashes the window, causing all her fuel to fall off the ship. You’d think this opening scene would establish the rest of the game as a Sunshine esque platformer. You'd be sort of right. See, Hat in Time is still young, it gets bored really fast. After beating the mafia level it gets bored and switches to a pick a side movie studio for birds. Then it pulls horror out of fucking nowhere then throws you up a mountain zip lining course. Then the world turns into hell and you get a few kicks in the balls before everyone commits suicide but not really. But the whole ride, you're just having plain fun. Jumping around and talking to everyone. The game gets really self-aware at times. It’s a breath of fresh air when 90% of games now are shootie shoots, cash grabs, or nostalgia bait. It’s the sort of childish fun that makes you spil your Kool-Aid and drop your pokemon plush that I really miss. This game would be perfect if it didn't have so many glitches. Running through normally I only encountered 1. But going back through I clipped through a wall when I asked nice enough. It's also really short. 4 worlds and a boss fight. But on steam, there is a huge modding community, where there are full on worlds for download, and there's promise for 2 more DLC worlds via the Kickstarter cash. YOU HEAR THAT? ACTIVISION? EA? UBISOFT? FREE DLC! NOT 40 MORE FUCKING DOLLARS FOR JACKSHIT AND A SHIRT WITH A DICK ON IT! All in all, Hat in Time is a short but sweet game, it's a memory you won't forget. 95/100. I recommend this game to everyone.
Kirby Star Allies is the newest Kirby instalment. The new gimmick is that kirby can make friends by throwing hearts at them! They will literally fight to the death and when Master Kirby is bored he snaps his fingers and they explode into dust. The whole friends mechanic isn’t too special. The interesting part comes when you combine abilities to make a new one. Fire and sword make fire sword, ice and hammer make ice hammer, it’s not rocket science. All they do outside of solving puzzles is boost damage. But that’s no help since everything dies in one hit anyways (and that includes the bosses). All kirby needs to do is say Poyo and everyone fucking dies. Which leads into my next point, this game is really fucking easy. I know that it’s a Kirby game, it’s supposed to be easy so that mom can put little Suzy and Timmy in front of it and tie the noose without the kids seeing it. But it doesn't hurt to put a hard mode? Not only is every single level a joke, but the game spoon feeds you lives. I had 20 by the end of the first level and 99 lives by the final boss. The story is also really sudden. I’m fairly certain that kirby only went to the final boss because hes curious. But let’s face it kirby’s story always pops up in the end all of a sudden. All in all, Kirby Star allies is a painfully mediocre game. If you missed this game, you're not missing anything special. 74/100.
Ah! Soup Moop Pisano Italiano Adventure! This time it's not boring 2D shit and it’s not someone pissing on a cat so what the fuck are you Odyssey? A 3D Mario game? And I thought Nintendo buried that with F-Zero. Well since it's supposed to be different than the other 3D Mario's, let's see what’s changed. Well right off the bat Mario fucking dies. That's a change. And this 3D Mario’s obscure partner is Cappy! Cappy is a parasite and when Cappy is thrown onto a poor soul he digs his talons into their skull and overwrites their free will. How fun! Cappy really opens up Mario’s moveset. Mario controls great in this game Now every Mario game, Mario just rapes the hell out of something. He either rapes the Koopa Kids or new items. But this time he raped nostalgia of all things. The 2D section, all of New Donk City, all of the costumes, and the final world you unlock are all nostalgia bait to make the fat 30-year-olds in their mom’s basement fall over and yip like small dogs. The music is very nice and I like how you can play any song at any time. I feel like more games should do that. But one thing that really bothered me is the 2 player mode. Using 2 joycons on its side makes Cappy a literal invincible god (which he already was) and makes Mario absolutely useless except being a mortal ball and chain on Cappy’s grand Odyssey. I don’t know if you know this or not but it’s really hard to aim a ground pound without an R stick. The auto camera sucks balls but chances are you’re a lonely shit so this shouldn't matter. All in all, Odyssey is a great game, diverse worlds, tight controls, and enough nostalgia crammed down your throat to make any fanboy splooge his pants once or twice. 93/100.
This is a revised review - Octopath Traveler is finally here! It was my most anticipated game of 2018 ever since the first Switch direct in early 2017. In the game, you pick one protagonist and travel around and collect the other seven. Each one has a story of their own to tell, and all of them are equally interesting. For my protagonist, I picked H’aanit the Huntress because she's thick as fuck and can capture any enemy. But you can’t switch out your protagonist after you picked them. Which I find annoying, but minor nitpick. The visuals and music are stellar. A small nitpick is the Vignette is a little too strong. It looks like it’s trying to fade to black. Octopath’s gameplay is also super addicting. In order to deal massive damage, you have to break the enemy’s pussy and beat the shit outta them while they're stunned. It feels so satisfying to smash a pussy in, especially when you smash more than one with one blow. The progression is also great, but I found if you skip battles, you might be a little underleveled. The mechanics are also deep as hell. Everyone has a job. Warrior, cleric, merchant, etc. But when you go to the jobs shrine, you can mix and match jobs. This mechanic gets super deep and it gets deeper when you throw items and magic into the mix. All in all, Octopath Traveler is a great game. With satisfying pussy smashing and a fun battle system, Octopath gets a 90/100.
Celeste is one of my favorite games of 2018 for sure, but I didn't enter the game with the mindset that this game is gonna be great. But, like a child to a white van, I was oblivious to the game. “$20? It’s gotta be short as hell for a platformer!” “Why yes it is!” says Celeste with a punch to your gut, “The length is in the number of times you perish.” I did not expect this suckerpunch but I did it anyways. The controls might seem simple, but new items and gimmicks every level make it all the more interesting. The pixel art is pretty, and I love how banning your head into the fucking wall kinda mixes with the music from the later levels! “Oh! Look at the peak! I'm almost done! Just gotta make it through the strong themes of depression and finding your purpose!” Spoilers! Seeing the peak means you still have a long ways to go from the actual peak. The game pushes you off a cliff Lion King style with both middle fingers holding up a sign that says “have fun, cunt.” All in all, Celeste is a great game with pretty visuals, calm music, and fair difficulty, it's a must play for everyone who is up to the challenge! 92/100, didn't know a bunch of pixels can make me scream, cry, and smile.